This is Me!

Hi World,

I’m not even going to try to apologize or explain my absence this time. For so long, this blog has been a sounding-board for my concerns, fears, etc., but lately I just haven’t needed this outlet but now I write for another reason. For the past 10 months, I have been at peace. Lest you get the wrong idea, my life is just as chaotic as it always is. I just haven’t felt dragged down by it. I have stresses of course, but I honestly can’t find a reason not to be happy and for a melancholy personality like mine that is an amazing thing.

I have always heard stories about “that moment”, you know the ones… a person experiences one moment, event, etc. that changes everything for them. I have always thought that a “moment” only occurs in extreme circumstances and in a dramatic way. I have had to revise my belief about this. My moment happened…it was just 6 weeks long. I moved to Arizona to start over and free myself from the limitations, expectations, memories and perceptions of my life at that point. I wanted to be different. I wanted to not be Becky the care-giver, the baby-sitter, the wall-flower. I had done so much soul-searching and made such progress through therapy and prayer but then dad got sick and I kind of stopped. After the Lord took him home, I needed to wipe my slate and rewrite myself. Arizona was my chance to do just that.

When I got laid off 39 days after arriving, I was devastated…or I thought I was. That voice that follows me, that little one inside that whispers “you’re not good enough, smart enough...etc…” started speaking again. But I soon realized that while I could hear her, I no longer HEARD her. She, the voice of my fears, insecurities and self-loathing had become background noise. I can not explain how amazing this was. Anytime she spoke up previously, her voice had echoed in my chest until it was all I heard. To no longer care about her opinion was one of the greatest moments of my life. I was concerned that my new-found strength would suffer when I returned to my “home”. Back to the people and relationships in which I had lost myself to begin with. It wasn’t until I got back to Bama and settled into my life that I fully understood what had happened to me.

I am no longer who I was…I know that sounds hokey, but it’s the only way to explain it. I still cling to the opinions, beliefs, and morals that are mine. I lean on God’s guiding hand everyday. But I recognize the girl in the mirror again. That is an amazing feeling, to actually finally feel like ME and know who that is. Thank you God, I could not experience this joy & peace without Him.


Be Real & Stay Safe,
Rebekah

Update on me

Hello again,
I know...I did it again. I went way too long in between posts. I don't know why I do that, I constantly think of things I want to post, I just never take the time to sit and type it up. So, I will post an update of the events that have transpired in my life.

On Feb. 24, I fell in my apartment and gave myself a concussion. The next day, my mother lost her job at the school where she had been working since July. I hate that it happened but the Lord had good timing. I was still quite weak and she was able to come stay with me for a while until I was fully recovered. The next week on March 5, I was informed that to workload and budget shortfalls, SVIS no longer had a job for me. They were very generous and gave me enough severance money to reimburse the cost of my move. It was very upsetting, I had put a lot into this move and had really believed that Sun Valley was where I was supposed to be. I now realize that I would not give up the growth and strength I found there in those six weeks. I now know and understand that I can care about people in my life without their lives being my responsibility. I can now be an active part of the lives of my friends and family without "drowning" in their troubles or giving up my own journey.

Shortly after I returned home, I discovered that God's timing again was perfect...a situation was unfolding in the life of my closest friend and my new-found stability has enabled me to encourage her and help without falling back into old habits. She made a room for me in her already crowded home and she and I are now setting up home as roommates together. Shortly after I arrived, my brother helped me get hired on as a temp at the florist where he was working. I worked several days during the Easter holiday. I loved it...it is the perfect job. Everyone is always happy to see me, I improve the day of whomever I see. No one ever gets mad because their flowers are 5 minutes late or arrived cold. LOL.

My brother then got an interview at another company for a job he really wanted. His boss said that if he got it and left, I could have his job at the florist. I have been taking a few of his shifts over the last two weeks and learning the ropes. As I said earlier I loved it...now I was doubly eager for him to get the other job. He was notified on Sat to go in on Monday for his drug test. He was officially hired on today and I was offered a full-time position at Covent Garden florist. Thank you Lord, this is a great job and will be easy enough that it will not stress me out to work it while I am finishing my school. He always has a master plan, sometimes it just doesn't become clear until after you have trusted him enough to just go.

I am so thankful also right now that God watches out for us. Last Thursday I began having a headache on the back of the right side of my head. I took Aleve, Tylenol or etc. and just assumed it would pass. I thought it had, until mid-day Friday when it started back and did not go away again. The only relief I found was taking over 1000mg of pain medicine at a time. Finally on Monday, even that wasn't really helping and I was experiencing naseua and lightheadedness along with the pain so I decided I needed to see a doctor. I had to borrow the money but I called to get in to see the County's low-income, pubic health doctor. I was told that walk-ins were accepted from 7:30 until 9:30 am. I arrived at 7:55, waited until 9:15 and was then taking in by a nurse who asked for a summary of my condition and who then told me that I was too late to be a walk-in that day and would need to come back in the morning. I was fairly certain that something quite serious was going on and was unwilling to wait any longer, so I went to the ER. Within 15 minutes they had processed my paperwork and taken my vitals. My BP was 226/197...! I was in a bed, surrounded by staff in less than 20 more minutes. They examined me and administered a numbing medicine and a steriod directly into a large nerve at the base of my skull where the pain was originating. That HURT, whew... but within 5 minutes of receiving the shot, my head did nit hurt anymore. The doctors then proceded to retake my BP and it was already down 30 points. They ran a CAT scan and gave me an IV med for my BP. The CAT scan showed that I had a "thickening" of the blood that was pooling on the right side of my head. This blood pool, if ignored, was rapidly forming into a clot. The doctor said it was a very good thing I was treated when I was, because as high as my BP was, I was in danger of severe problems. Thankfully, the doctor was able to prescribe a blood thinner, pain meds and BP stabilizers to help clear up the problem. I was so scared, I cannot even explain how I felt when the words, clot, anurysm, brain damage, etc were used in reference to me. Yet here I am, feeling almost back to 100% and living my life again.

Anyway, so there's the latest update on me...I start my full-time shifts on Monday. My new classes start May 23, and I am living with my best friend. My life is settled into a wonderful existence.

As Always,

Be Real & Stay Safe

~Rebekah~

I'm Dreaming of a White... Tuesday???

That's right folks, my ground is covered in snow. I went to bed last night (kinda late) to a windy but dry campus. Was awakened at about 3 am by a series of soft booms against the side of my building. It was the wind so I went back to sleep. I woke up this morning to a blanket of snow. We have a good 3 inches on everything. It's really beautiful but the walk in was slippery today. The junior high students had a field trip planned today, but it was cancelled. Recess is taking place in the gym today. The snow just altered lots of things!

I need your help today in prayer. One of our students is having a rough time. She tried to run away from her dorm yesterday and has been threatening to hurt herself if she is not allowed her own way. She comes from a background of abuse and mostly indifference and neglect and is really struggling to adapt. Please pray that she will feel God's love and accept His peace. She is such a sad little girl, just talking to her breaks my heart.

I'm so at peace here. I truly know that I am where God wants me. I enjoy my work but I also feel fulfilled and relaxed almost all the time. My mom lives 1 1/2 hours away so I get to see her regularly but I also have a lot of people to visit with here so I'm never lonely. God is so good in His plans for us. I certainly never imagined this as my path, but now I love it.

As Always,
~Rebekah~

ARIZONA: Here I am!

Hi all,

Sorry I have been out of touch for a while. I left Montgomery for AZ on Friday, arrived Sunday afternoon. When I arrived, I learned that the remodel of my apartment here was not quite done. There is a house on campus that is used for guests, etc and that is where I have been staying. My apartment is now done and several of the guys out here helped me move all my stuff in. So, now everthing is settling down a little bit. Let me tell you more about my situation.

I am the new bookkeeper for Sun Valley Indian School. I am responsible for general accounting, payroll and donation receipting. I work with some wonderful people and believe I can form some friendships. Our campus is small, so everything is within walking distance, so no daily gas usage:). I have access to free meals in the cafeteria if I choose as well as a fitness room, and library. I love it here so far. The people are wonderful, I have a cute little apartment, and the cafeteria serves well-portioned, nutritious and TASTY meals. The biggest negative so far is the weather, I live in the desert so no matter what temprature it is during the day, it drops by about 25-30 every night. And with no trees to speak of, the wind...it's brutal. I'm sure that in the summer, I will welcome the coolness of the evening but right now, I end up with 15, 20 degree nights. But I will adjust quickly so no big deal. My job is really good. As is expected, there is a lot of sitting around and then payday, bill payments, or donations will come due and I will have way too much work, and then back to down time.

Feel free to contact me, my new info is:

Becky Coats
Sun Valley Indian School
8450 S. Sun Valley Rd. Apt #18
PO Box 4013
Sun Valley, AZ 86029



My home number is not set up yet, but I still have my cell phone (334)819-6740.

Hi

You know for a girl that doesn't do anything, I stay awful busy...

As most of you know, mom moved out to Arizona and is teaching at the Native American mission school out there. Most days she loves it but it is a challenge for her.

I have been cleaning out and rearranging my house. Mom's not going to recognize it when she comes home at Christmas. My brother Josh is my roommate now, which is fine except that he does not have a car of his own (his was stolen). He goes to school 4 days a week which severely limits the amount of time I can spend trying to find a job. I have been looking for work for the last two months and I can't seem to find anything. I've applied for everything from office jobs to McDonald's, I've had 4 interviews...but nothing. I am out of money and Josh is having to pay most of our bills. You can all imagine how much I like that feeling and the effect this situation is having on my self-worth issues. Mom bought me a ticket so I was able to go see her for two weeks in early October and had a great time. I have had some personal/family situations I have had to deal with in one form or another. I really need your prayer and support. I am falling back into behaviors that worry me. I seldom if ever seek out other people. I am eating way much and sleeping way too little. If someone inquires about me, I dismiss their concern because I don't know how to accept any comfort. All words of encouragement sound like empty rhetoric to me...you know like that's just what they are supposed to say. Last time I felt this way I ended up in counseling for 6 months, this time I don't have that option. Thankfully my time in counseling before did make me stronger so I am strong enough now to recognize the problems. I just feel so pathetic, I'm 30 years old and I can't get a job. I was planning to transfer to Faulkner in January, because for once in my life I actually KNOW what path I want to take in my life but I can't even afford to go to school. I don't know what to do. Mom told me today that the school she works at is hiring office staff, so maybe that is the Lord's leading...but I don't want to go. I don't mean that in a pouty way just that Arizona was supposed to be a new start for mom and a chance for me to finally have no one else to take care of. Going to Arizona will completely negate all of the good that had come of it in the first place.

Please pray for me, I don't know what to do. I like my life here, I have good friends for moral support, I was starting the school program I want, I have a house I finally have the way I want it. But I can't make the $500 a month that it costs to maintain that life. That is so depressing.

As Always,
~Rebekah~

Citizen Soldier

This is sponsored by the National Guard but I think it is an amazing tribute to ALL our troops.

Test day :(

Its Finals day for me…I have three tests to take today and one tomorrow. I had my first test this morning at 8:30. I think I did really well! But I am about to die from the heat, apparently no one remembered to start the air conditioner this morning…it’s 87 degrees in here. You all know me and heat! Oh, well, I‘ll make it through, I always do. Just sometimes I get tired of making it through. Sometimes I wish I could finally make it…whatever IT is.

Life goes on, the world keeps turning and God is still in His heaven and in my heart. Have a great day to you all.

Be Real and Stay Safe,

~Rebekah~

Toot, Toot!!!

That's my own horn you hear...

Hi all,

I'm so excited and proud of myself because I found out today that I am having a poem published in my college's literary magazine. That is just too cool, right?!!! This is especially great to me because the poem being honored was written about dad.

It was a big surprise, the poem was an assignment for my English class, I never knew it won any kind of award or anything. I'm so happy. That may seem like a such a little thing to be so excited about, but if really think about me, you already understand. Me, a published writer, me? I'm not the one that achieves this type of recognition. i am so grateful to God for giving this accomplishment to take pride in.

Gotta go for now,

As always, Stay Safe & Be Real,

~Rebekah~