Christmas with no Daddy

Hello again.

I've been trying for a month to compile what I want to say about the death of my father. As previously stated, my father passed away on Nov. 5 2007, after over 10 years of illness. I am thrilled for him, he is now forever with his Savior. Somehow this fact does not make my pain go away. He is strong, healthy, & happy, but there are moments when I would bring him back here just so I wouldn't have to miss him anymore. I know that's a selfish thought. He was so sick before he passed and I wouldn't anyone I love to ever suffer that way, but it just hurts. Sometimes, it's a dull ache that I don't really notice, but other times, I can't feel who I am anymore because I feel the emptiness in my heart. Last night was one of those times for me. I was up until 5 am; I just couldn't sleep. Every time I would try, pictures of everything I'll never get to share with my dad again starting playing in my head. While I have an amazing mom whom I love very much, I was always a daddy's girl. I always ran to him when life became too scary for me. He would talk with me about it, strengthen me and help me find my path. I think that's what I miss most. I can't run to him and let him comfort me with this.

I am so grateful that my father led me to his Savior and that I have the peace that only God can provide. I know that one day I will be with daddy again. However, there are times when I can't see past the daddy-sized blank spot in my heart and my life. I'm trying to be strong and give my mom the opportunity to grieve as she needs, but I needed someone to talk to. So today, my someone is all of you. The holidays are upon us and I don't know how to drink my apple cider, eat my turkey, open my stocking, and all the rest without seeing him in everything. I want to have a Merry Christmas, I just don't know how. My dad was always the one I had to block; he would raid my sweet potato pies before dinner, eat all the chocolate covered cherries mom got in her stocking and was always trying to score seconds/thirds/fourths of holiday dinner. Our family gets together for Christmas about a week before the actual day. Christmas itself was always just mom, dad, me and my older brother (Jason has a wife & 3 kids). While I'm glad we can get through the holidays without having the trauma of reopened wounds, it's getting harder everyday to sit and look at the tree and hear the carols.

Daddy, always know that you are missed and loved. And have a Merry Christmas.

As Always,

~Rebekah~

A Tribute to My Father

This quarter in college I have public speaking and 2 weeks ago I had to give a speech of tribute. I wrote about my dad. My mother asked me to share this with you. So, if you will indulge me, I would now like to share my tribute of the strongest man I have ever known. Those of you who know the full story will notice that I could not include everything my father has been through, so I tried to pick just the major events.

Lauren Bruce Coats Jr was born on August 13, 1948 in Ellisville, MS. His life passed without incident until the summer of his 12th year, when during a simple childhood game of tag, Lauren fell and cracked his skull. The damage to his skull and brain tissue was so severe that the doctors decided he would not live long enought to warrant the procedures needed to put his skull back together properly.

Needless to say, he proved them wrong, not only did he survive, but he overcame the injury & brain damage he suffered and graduated from Pascagoula High School in the top 5 of his class. Following high school, he entered University of Southern Mississippi majoring in computer science. In his second year there, he met a woman named Lynda Richardson. Lauren felt an immediate connection and wanted to get to know her better; for her part, however, she thought he was stubborn, over-protective and conceited. So of course... they got married. The couple wed on June 10, 1972.

Married life started off well, Lauren pursued a career in computer programming while Lynda worked as an elementary school teacher. In April of 1974, the couple discovered that Lynda was expecting a child. Their son Joshua Lauren was born December 27, 1974 in Union, MS.

Life was very full now for the growing family as Lauren moved from job to job advancing his career. While living in Metarie, LA, Lauren & Lynda were introduced to their second child... ME. Naomi Rebekah was born January 6, of 1978.

In February of the same year, the Coats family moved to Houston, TX where Lauren continued to advance in the computer programming world. He did this all while finding a way to serve those less fortunate. My parents opened our home to those with no where else to go. They would stay with us they got jobs & able to get places of their own. Lauren could be stubborn, cynical and an intellectual snob, but he always had a genuine compassion for other people.

Lauren was working in the IT dept of Houston Lighting & Power in 1985 when he was injured in a car accident. Soon after, he began to experience periods of seizure and blackouts. He was diagnosed with a form of epilepsy and was unable to work. During the next 3 years, Lynda worked to support the family while Lauren Mr. Mom as much as he was able. Also during this time, in 1988, a family friend asked Lauren & Lynda if they would consider taking her son in to raise because she was no longer able to care for him. This is how Jason Sword became my little brother and a part of our family.

By the end of 1988, my father had recovered enough to go back to work, however, due to cutbacks at NASA there was a shortage of available computer jobs in the Houston area. Lauren began to search job openings in other places. Lynda was raised in Montgomery, AL and her family sent job information & applications about openings in this area. Lauren was hired on with the State of Alabama as a programmer analyst. The Coats family moved to Prattville, AL on July 27, 1989 and life began to settle into over 9 years of relative peace.

Then one Saturday morning in early 1999, Lauren awoke unable to move & had no feeling on his left side. Paramedics were called and Lauren was taken to the hospital. It was decided that he had suffered a stroke caused by a hemorrage in his brain. The doctors believed that with the new damage to his brain (on top of the ole), he would not to be able to ever walk again nor recover his mental capabilities. During the next 3 months, Lauren proved every prognosis wrong and never gave up. He had to use a cane but he was walking. He was even able to return to his computer programming job and life returned to normal.

That is until February 2003 when Lauren suffered another stroke much like the first. To Lauren's disappointment, no matter how hard he tried, he was unable to regain full functions. He was relegated to using a walker. He developed a pinched nerve in his neck, which caused him to lose almost all use of his left arm. At this time his doctors placed him on permanent disability.

While this was necessary for his health, Lauren felt the loss keenly. He experienced some days of depression, believing that usefulness was over. But as always, Lauren couldn't give up...not even on himself. He continously found ways to use his still impressive skills, personality & intellect to enrich the lives of all around him. He tutored math to needs kids, he acted as life-coach to any one who asked. Even after 2 more strokes, open heart surgery and several lesser health concerns, Lauren maintained his hope & faith.

In March 2007, he was hospitalized because of a severe infection causing open sores that were not healing. After 5 months of treatment in a local hospital, the doctors tranferred LAuren to UAB (the top ranked hospital in the state). While there, the medical staff at UAB discovered the cause of the infection. On September 16, 2007, Lauren was informed that he had cancer and that it gone undiagnosed & untreated so long that is was already in his lymph nodes and was no longer operable.

Lauren asked about treatment options, and after much testing it was decided that Lauren's body was not strong enough to undergo the chemotherapy needed to kill the cancer. Options were very limited, but even now Lauren was unwilling to just accept his fate. He and his doctors devised a round of radiation just powerful enough to stop the growth of the cancer. This was done in the hope that it would buy enough time for physical therapy to strengthen his body enough for the chemo. The plan seemed to be working for about a week, then on October 5, new tests showed that the radiation was causing respitory & kidney difficulties that were more harmful than the benefits the radiation might bring.

The doctors then began the process of sending Lauren home. He was scheduled to be released into hospice care at home on Tuesday Oct. 9. On monday, October 8, Lauren experienced severe breathing difficulties that convinced his doctors that the had come. All the family were called and told to come say our goodbyes. We all did. However, even after all he had been through, Lauren was still not done fighting. He not only survived the night, but he was strong enough to come home as originally scheduled. He has been placed on hospice and there is no cure in sight, but even he is still a fighter.

Throughout my life, I have come across some truly amazing personalities, but none has ever shown more fight, determination & spit than my father Lauren. I can't say that I had the perfect father, in fact, I can certainly look back at my life and find things he could have done better. The one thing I will never be able to say is that he didn't try to do his best. I don't know how much longer I have him, but I will always be grateful for all he taught me. My father taught me to fight for waht is important, stand up for what I believe & that the only to truly fail is to give up. He taught me that by leaning on our Heavenly Father, nothing can ever defeat us. Finally through him I learned that true does not depend on how much you can bench press, but on the determination of your heart.

NOTE: After setting this up to post automatically tonight, my father passed away. I am still posting my tribute as-is but will now provide an update.

Lauren Bruce Coats Jr. went to meet our Lord at 4:05pm today. For the past week, he had been on "continous terminal care" (or CTC) with hospice. He just kept holding on. Today a young man with whom my father had been close came to see him. He had been injured and unable to come before today. He left our home at 2:30 and my father was gone less than two hours later. My father always did things his own way, in his own time. So whos really surprised? I loved my father very much and I miss him already. I just have to remember that every tear I shed is for me, because for once in more than 10 years, my father is no longer in pain - no longer sick - no longer weak. He can be strong in the arms of his Savior forever.

The End is Nigh

Hi all,

As most of you know, my father took a turn for the worst earlier this week. His body began expelling the excess blood and other fluids from his system. On Monday night his blood pressure was so low that his hospice nurse couldn't even get a reading. He was placed on terminal care watch, meaning round-the-clock nursing supervision and all believed that he would not be with us much longer. During the night Monday & Tuesday he did stop breathing and probably die, only to recover whenever my mom came in to say goodbye. Any of you who know my dad know that the man never gave up without a fight, why should death be any different. He has rallied for a moments here or there but for the most past has maintained his poor status throughout the week. Yet he doesn't seem ready to go quite yet. This morning the hospice staff decided to take him off of the round-the-clock care. They are all amazed that he is still here, but then they don't know my dad. He is terminal and he is fading, but he's gonna do it his way.

Thank you so much to all of you for your prayers and concerns. It means so much to me to know that you guys are out there.

As always,
~Rebekah~

Hi All,

Today I write to ask for your help. I need you to pray for my dad, my family and for me. This past week we found out my dad has cancer. This came as a shock to most of us. As most of you, my dad has been chronically ill for several years but...cancer? For the last few months my dad has had sores that will not heal. His doctor said it developed because of a massive infection in my dad's system. This is in fact what lead him to be in the hospital this last time. Two weeks ago, dad was transferred to UAB hospital to have a surgery intended to clean-out the infected area and hopefully heal the wound. During the surgery, the doctor ran a biopsy of the wound tissue ... CANCER. My dad had skin cancer, that left unchecked had been causing his sores. But, now that we knew, there were treatments. I took the news hard, but was adapting the idea, when even more news came. It was no longer just skin cancer, the cancerous cells had entered my dad's lymph nodes and were spreading. My heart broke, I felt overwhelmed and scared. But still there are options. Then yesterday, all the tests finally came back and we got a complete situation report. Dad has a tumor in his groin area that is inoperable due to it's proximity to his arteries and blood vessels. He is too weak to undergo Chemo or radiation. My brothers, my mom & I have a meeting with the doctor at UAB Tuesday to find out specifics of what is next. So, please pray for us.

On a personal note, please pray for me. I'm not handling this situation well. I feel lost. I handle change slowly, one step at a time, and just got thrown about 20 steps ahead on this path. I can't figure out how I feel. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm hopeful, I'm strong, I'm at peace - and this is just one hour - then it starts over. The order may change but this has been my last two days. I feel so inadequate for this challenge, I don't know how to do this. I know the even now, God is master of all, but... I'm just so scared. Scared for my dad. Scared for my mom. Scared for me. But mostly, I'm just scared. Pray for me to have the strength and peace to be able to support my mom. As much pain as I feel, hers is so much more. I cannot be selfish and focus on myself right now.

Thank you for allowing me to share with you the feelings of my heart. Thank you for your understanding, support and prayer.

I welcome your comments, feel free to let me know if you have any questions.

As Always,

~Rebekah~

Why did I even bother?

Hello all, I apologize in advance for the negativity of this post, but remember I did warn you of my penchant for introspection and reflection. Knowing me, the next post will be more upbeat. Please keep that in mind while reading this.


This is the question that plagues my mind most of the time. I used to believe that by changing our actions, attitude and behavior, we could alter the course of our life's path. I don't feel this way now, I'm not sure what I believe to be true but it is no where near this optimistic and hopeful. I mostly feel that no matter I do, my path is set -- a path of fear -- a path of loneliness -- basically my path of failure. When I was young I believed as many do, that all my problems would be solved if only I were grown-up. It worked,the problems that bugged me as child were mostly cured by time and age. I never stopped to consider, however, that adulthood brings problems all it's own. Why did I even bother to grow-up?

When I graduated from high school, I was still naive and innocent in many ways. I believed that your life was your own to make what you would of it. I wanted my life to matter, I wanted to be successful, I wanted to be respected. I spent a lot of years working for my mother in a job that was "important", I was stressed out, broke, and disappointed in myself, but at least I could say I mattered. As I got older, I felt the need to move-on to other things. I was unable to afford health insurance, I didn't earn enough to get approved for a car, or a place to live on my own. I believed it was time to "grow-up". Twice I left for "greener pastures", new jobs, new apartments, etc. Twice I failed to maintain the situation and had to crawl back to my "mommy" let her support me again and know that I had failed at expanding my life. Why did I even bother to try?

Recently, after months of prayer and therapy, I decided not to let fear control me and to try again. I left my mothers company for a third time. I found a new work environment that I feel I can flourish in. I now work a full-time job that I'm really good at, earn higher pay, benefits, pd vacation time, etc. However, I am constantly having to put off bills, borrow money from others, or do without things I need because of money troubles. I am still a burden on those around me. Part of the reason I made this change was to get into a place where I was self-sufficient and wouldn't have to "take" anymore. There are days I am so disheartened, I just want give up on this goal, go back to the familiar and become comfortable with my failures. Sometimes all that stops me is the knowledge that someone now has my old job. Why did I even bother to hope?

In my life, I am surrounded by a very small group of close, intimate friends; most of whom are also related to me. I don't have "hang-out" buddies, people to go do things with. Some in my life believe that I have closed myself off from the potential of this due to fear of either being hurt (again) or opening up to new people. Maybe this is the case, but I don't think so. For the past year, I have have put forth a concentrated effort to be myself more freely and openly...I talk in class, joke and talk with classmates/co-workers, some of whom I barely know. This has brought about no change in my social life. I still don't get invited to the cook-outs, movie nights, get-together's, etc. I spend most nights alone watching a DVD I've seen 10 times. Not that I don't really enjoy my DVDs, but every night...even watching a DVD with someone else would break the cycle. I decided maybe I should plan something to invite others to, I planned a movie night at my apartment...my brother and one other person (a guy who is more friends with my brother than me anyway) came...we didn't even start a movie, instead we spent the time talking about people I don't know, games I don't play, or movies/TV shows I've never seen. Some think I prefer my solitary life. It is better to say I have become content with it. No one could truly be happy while feeling lonely, pathetic and unwanted. Even those that do know me & love me have so many friends they seem to fit me in to their lives. They go out to dinner, bowling etc with their other friends, but never have time to do so with me. They come to see me when no-one else is available or they are too broke to do whatever was planned. I know that I am not supposed to be a priority or focus in the lives of my friends, I wouldn't want to be. I just wish I was fun, enjoyable, and "cool". But I am not. Why do I even bother to care?


In my life I have seen many overcome amazing obstacles to succeed. In my life, I overcome obstacles simply fall behind at the next hurdle. I have always considered myself to be a responsible, reliable person. I have decided recently that responsibility is a tricky concept. I can show up where I should, when I should; I can ensure that things to do get done. Yet, every time I try to support and take care of myself, I dig a hole so deep, by the time I give up and accept my defeat, I can't see a way out. No matter what plans or changes I implement, the result is always the same. If it is that the only person you can ever really depend on is yourself, what possible hope is there for me?

All of this leaves with one final question...Should I even bother to cry?

As always,

~Rebekah~

Hello all,

I know I do this a lot, but I'm sorry it's been so long. I've been REAL busy. My mom and dad moved into a new home, my aunt moved to a new home, I moved to a new apartment, my dad has been in the hospital again this time since late March, I had to finish up at one job, find another, try to finish spring quarter at school. In addition to all of this, I suffered a death in my family.
My uncle passed away on April 13 of this year. He was 56. Now he wasn't immediate family, he was my uncle, but I have had a hard time putting into words how I felt when we lost him. I always knew I loved him, but I didn't realize all he had done for me and what he meant to me until he was gone. He was one who challenged, he pushed, he prodded, he always gave you his honest opinion--these actions would cause a lesser person to be overbearing, spiteful and controlling. However, he managed, sometimes I'm not sure how, to execute it in such a way where all you thought was how you never wanted to disappoint him. I think the key was that every time he pushed, challenged, or prodded you, he was always waiting for you at the next step to support and guide. That was an amazing gift.
He was a true gentleman, he always made you feel natural, acceptable and interesting in his presence. You always felt that he not only listened, but HEARD you when you talked with him. He seemed just as comfortable at formal dinners as he was watching Nascar in his living room. He taught me a lot about not being afraid to speak my mind. He encouraged me to believe that to learn more, you must share what you know.
He was a survivor, he survived being the only boy in a house w/ 5 children; he survived cancer, he survived a blood disorder known as myelodysplasia (thanks to Gini), he survived all of life's twists and turns with a can-do attitude and a winning smile. He seemed unbeatable. Because of this, when my uncle passed, it surprised me. My uncle contracted pneumonia, his body couldn't fight it off and it took him. It seemed implausible, after all he had been through. What I have to see now though is that he is still a survivor; his words have survived in my spirit, his personality, spirit and passions are surviving in his children and grandchildren.
So while we have said our goodbyes, it feels wonderful to know that he will always be here. He helped me become the woman I'm trying to be...I just I can make him proud of that fact.

Uncle Wiley, love with gratitude, forever

~Rebekah~

The Effect of my Father's Stroke

Hello,

As most of you know & I have remarked previously, my father is disabled. He has had open heart surgery, 3 strokes, as well as several other situations. For quite a while now, I have been trying to explain the impact that his illnesses have caused in our family. I think that I have finally been able to do so. I hope you all understand that this was done with love, & understanding. It is not meant as any sort of criticism or judgement. It's just something I need to say.

In January of 1999, my father suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke, meaning a stroke caused by broken blood vessels leaking into his brain. From my 2 years of hospital volunteer experience, I knew that a stroke is to the brain what an attack is to the heart. Still, I was surprised by the level of change it brought about in my dad. Before his stroke, he was an intellectual, a computer programmer with a passion for knowledge. He was the money manager, bread winner and head of household for my family. He prided himself on his honesty, independence, intelligence, logic and strength. I say all of this to show how drastically he changed.

In high school, Dad was a weight-lifter and martial artist. Over the years, he had gotten out of shape but had maintained a lot of his physical strength. After his stroke, suddenly, my father was too weak to support his own weight. The left side of his body did not respond properly. He, who had always been strong and independent, needed help to dress, get up/down, use the restroom etc. My Daddy, the strong man, was gone.

All of our lives, my dad raised my brothers and me to believe that honesty was the most important virtue. He always said he could forgive any action easier than he could a lie. Following his stroke, suddenly, my father was sneaky, manipulative and dishonest. It was not his fault really. He had behavior and memory problems, and in many ways became childlike. He would sneak food, ask me for something if Mom said no. He cried at sentimental movies. He was unwilling to admit fault or blame and would pout and whine to get his way. He lied to cover his guilt and shame or to avoid any disagreements. My Daddy, the pinnacle of truth in my world, was gone.

My family had always tried to follow the model my parents felt God wanted for our family. My mother ran a small business, but my dad was the bread winner and supported our family. Mom was mostly a stay-at-home mom who tried to be a submissive wife. Dad earned the money; Dad paid the bills; Dad filed the taxes. Mom ran her business, took care of family errands, and gave Dad, my brothers and me (when we lived at home) a loving home environment. After his stroke, suddenly, my father was not only incapable of working and handling finances, he no longer knew how he had done so. My mother had to start from scratch. My mother had so many new responsibilities, and my father needed so much care, that I took over the day-to-day operation of her business and lived at home. My Daddy, the rock and head of our household, was gone.

My father has since had 2 more strokes and open heart surgery. Each has brought its own changes to my father, my family and my life. However, the first stroke changed every aspect of who my father is, causing all of us to have to adjust our attitudes and behaviors toward him. I love my father, and I know how blessed I am to have him. I am thankful daily that God spared him. Having said that, I still, in my “daddy’s little girl” heart, can’t help but feel that my Daddy - the man who carried me on his shoulders - the man who protected me from the monsters - that man is truly gone…forever.

As always,

~Rebekah~

Hi All,

Recently for a computer class, I was told to refer computer hardware components to real life items, etc. I was amused at what I came up with and thought you would be too.


Motherboard - The motherboard is an air traffic controller. Things come in from all directions. It puts them all in order, tries to ensure there are no connection problems, and that nothing crashes.

VDU (Monitor) - The Monitor is a mirror. A mirror doesn't create images, it simply outputs what it "sees". Also, size, shape and set-up do affect the picture.

Keyboard - The keyboard is the "Honey-Do List" (Honey do the dishes, Honey, mow the yard...). It gives instructions to ensure the proper tasks are done.

Mouse - The mouse is a shopping cart. Moving through the store (monitor), stopping only to grab (click) our desired product.

Peripherals - Peripherals are like children. They usually take more than they give. They always want to change the way you do something. They are never permanently attached.


As always,

~Rebekah~

Living Life my Way

Hi all,

I am about to discuss something I have touched on before, but feel I need to fully discuss with you. As you all know, the title of my blog is "Living Life my Way". This is what I am trying to do. It is not easy, because as most of you know, for a long time, I didn't really listen to my wants and needs at all. I put everyone else first and never believed that I had the right or capability to be anything else. The older I got, the more useless and empty I felt. I started having problems with depression, which led to over-stressing, and anger. Neither of which are natural to my personality. I felt that as long as my "place" was filled, I was unimportant. I didn't know what to do, I was raised to see depression as giving up on God. I thought that if I could lean on Him enough, it would be OK. So, I saw the fact that I was depressed, as failing as a Christian. Because of this, I continued to sink further away from my life, until I started shutting myself off from those around me, at the same time believing that everyone was pulling away because my impressions were right and now that I was so weak, I wasn't useful anymore. This lasted for several months, until God sent me a lifeline. I heard from a friend I hadn't really talked to in a long while, she wanted to have lunch and catch up. I went, and for over two hours, completely without meaning to, I poured out all my thoughts and fears on her shoulders. She was so gracious, patient and understanding. She helped me see that my relationship with God wasn't the problem. The problem was that those around me had formed images of me in their heads that were inaccurate. But, she also showed me that they had done so, because I let them. For those of you who don't me, let me explain, I am at heart, a helper and a follower. When things upset me, rather than "rock the boat", I internalize those feelings until they go away. So, for years, I gave everything I had to others, I always jumped when they called, I never admitted how it bothered me when my friends would change plans and not tell me, or when they would just assume things about me or my interests without asking.

What my friend helped me see is that through these actions I had allowed and encouraged those in my life to form the impressions they had, and now I was depressed because I didn't fit them. She helped me see how counseling might help me discover how to be myself. She got my OK, called and found a place I could afford and even made my first appointment for me. She was wise enough to know that as depressed as I was, I would have talked myself out of even trying. So, mostly to avoid disappointing my friend I went to my first session. My counselor sat and very gently started probing my issues. At first, I didn't like my counselor, I thought she was prissy and could never understand "my" life. However, within three sessions, I felt like I could actually take deep breaths again. That's when I figured out her genius. She knew that the best way to get me to start appreciating and examining my life was to make me explain it to her.

Now, please do not misunderstand me, I am not using the term "Living Life My Way" as an excuse to be self-centered or cold. It's just my way to remind myself, that if I don't take care of my needs, wants, desires, fears, etc, I will not have the strength of character to do for others the way I want. I have found that I am allowed to have dreams of my own , I don't have to try to live someone elses. I discovered, that I don't have to explain every action I take to everyone I know. I just have to make the best decision I can, for the right reasons, and they can either accept it or not. I have come to believe that is OK to express myself to my friends and family.

As a result of my self-discovery, the Lord gave me the comfort to make a goal list for myself. I started college in Jan., I am starting a new job in June. So, I am on a path to being myself. I want thank all of you that have been there for me. I hope all of you know how VERY much you mean to me. And to my lifeline friend, thank you for allowing God to use you for my benefit as He did, you will always be special to me. I hope all of you find the courage and strength to always be yourself, no matter what.

As always,
~Rebekah~

I wish I could understand

Hi all,

I have something I need to say. I apologize in advance for any hard feelings this may produce but it is something I have to address. Honesty!

Those of you who actually know me know that I have a small circle of very close friends. These are people I really know, or I thought I did. Recently I found out that not everyone in my circle is the person(s) they have pretended to be. Now, I'm not niave enough to believe that everyone is always truthful, but I don't understand how you can keep up such a complete deception with someone you supposedly care about and completely trust. I now feel that every conversation, every get-together, every everything has been called into question and I don't know how to trust anything anymore. I just wish I could understand...

I wish I could understand why you would volunteer so much heartfelt falsehood. Why, if you aren't honestly looking for real advice, why do you bring up a "problem" you need help with. Advice to a half-told or made-up problem can't be of any help.

I wish I could understand why you would want to spend so much time and energy on a relationship you feel you have to lie to keep. It seems to me that I would not want to have a friend that wouldn't accept me as I am. It is not fair to never give your friends the opportunity to do just that.

It is true that in some ways I live my life by a different moral code than the people in my life, but I am very careful to never expect them to follow my code. I have never turned away from a friend just because they made decisions I didn't approve of. By putting on this "front" with me, I feel as a slap in the face, sending the message that they don't see me as a REAL friend. This hurts more than any truth they could ever tell me.

Anyway, for now I have nothing else to say. So as always

Stay Safe & Be Real,
~Rebekah~

A New Adventure

Hello World,

Last night I did something strange...For me. I went to school. Now I know what you're thinking...So what right? But for me it's really a new concept. See, I only went to 3 months of school in first grade. After that, the rest of my education was done through home schooling. I graduated high school in 1994 without ever have returned to a traditional classroom school. I went to work right after graduation and decided to wait a few years before going to college. Well I did. Over the last year I decided that I wanted to go to college and learn new ideas and skills. So, I enrolled for Winter quarter, then the nerves hit. Now don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't change my education one bit. I loved home schooling and feel blessed that my parents were willing to do it for me. But can you imagine going back to a classroom after 24 years? I was so nervous. (I have a massive fear of the unknown & an insane fear of failure, so together...) To avoid chickening out, I spent yesterday focusing on everything I could except school. I went to work, went to lunch with my sister-in-law, went shopping, printed off pictures for my binder, and watched some TV. I didn't open my school books, read my syllabus, or re-check (for the 80th time) my class schedule. When time came I got ready, took a deep breath, got in the car, drove the 2 miles to my college, and entered the classroom (sweaty palms the whole way). Class started, and do you know what happened? Nothing...That's right, no earthquakes, plagues, rain of fire, nothing. NO one even seemed to notice that I was anything other another student just like all of them. WOW!!!

So, never be afraid to try something new, very few things actually cause the end of the world.

As Always,
~Rebekah~