Why did I even bother?

Hello all, I apologize in advance for the negativity of this post, but remember I did warn you of my penchant for introspection and reflection. Knowing me, the next post will be more upbeat. Please keep that in mind while reading this.


This is the question that plagues my mind most of the time. I used to believe that by changing our actions, attitude and behavior, we could alter the course of our life's path. I don't feel this way now, I'm not sure what I believe to be true but it is no where near this optimistic and hopeful. I mostly feel that no matter I do, my path is set -- a path of fear -- a path of loneliness -- basically my path of failure. When I was young I believed as many do, that all my problems would be solved if only I were grown-up. It worked,the problems that bugged me as child were mostly cured by time and age. I never stopped to consider, however, that adulthood brings problems all it's own. Why did I even bother to grow-up?

When I graduated from high school, I was still naive and innocent in many ways. I believed that your life was your own to make what you would of it. I wanted my life to matter, I wanted to be successful, I wanted to be respected. I spent a lot of years working for my mother in a job that was "important", I was stressed out, broke, and disappointed in myself, but at least I could say I mattered. As I got older, I felt the need to move-on to other things. I was unable to afford health insurance, I didn't earn enough to get approved for a car, or a place to live on my own. I believed it was time to "grow-up". Twice I left for "greener pastures", new jobs, new apartments, etc. Twice I failed to maintain the situation and had to crawl back to my "mommy" let her support me again and know that I had failed at expanding my life. Why did I even bother to try?

Recently, after months of prayer and therapy, I decided not to let fear control me and to try again. I left my mothers company for a third time. I found a new work environment that I feel I can flourish in. I now work a full-time job that I'm really good at, earn higher pay, benefits, pd vacation time, etc. However, I am constantly having to put off bills, borrow money from others, or do without things I need because of money troubles. I am still a burden on those around me. Part of the reason I made this change was to get into a place where I was self-sufficient and wouldn't have to "take" anymore. There are days I am so disheartened, I just want give up on this goal, go back to the familiar and become comfortable with my failures. Sometimes all that stops me is the knowledge that someone now has my old job. Why did I even bother to hope?

In my life, I am surrounded by a very small group of close, intimate friends; most of whom are also related to me. I don't have "hang-out" buddies, people to go do things with. Some in my life believe that I have closed myself off from the potential of this due to fear of either being hurt (again) or opening up to new people. Maybe this is the case, but I don't think so. For the past year, I have have put forth a concentrated effort to be myself more freely and openly...I talk in class, joke and talk with classmates/co-workers, some of whom I barely know. This has brought about no change in my social life. I still don't get invited to the cook-outs, movie nights, get-together's, etc. I spend most nights alone watching a DVD I've seen 10 times. Not that I don't really enjoy my DVDs, but every night...even watching a DVD with someone else would break the cycle. I decided maybe I should plan something to invite others to, I planned a movie night at my apartment...my brother and one other person (a guy who is more friends with my brother than me anyway) came...we didn't even start a movie, instead we spent the time talking about people I don't know, games I don't play, or movies/TV shows I've never seen. Some think I prefer my solitary life. It is better to say I have become content with it. No one could truly be happy while feeling lonely, pathetic and unwanted. Even those that do know me & love me have so many friends they seem to fit me in to their lives. They go out to dinner, bowling etc with their other friends, but never have time to do so with me. They come to see me when no-one else is available or they are too broke to do whatever was planned. I know that I am not supposed to be a priority or focus in the lives of my friends, I wouldn't want to be. I just wish I was fun, enjoyable, and "cool". But I am not. Why do I even bother to care?


In my life I have seen many overcome amazing obstacles to succeed. In my life, I overcome obstacles simply fall behind at the next hurdle. I have always considered myself to be a responsible, reliable person. I have decided recently that responsibility is a tricky concept. I can show up where I should, when I should; I can ensure that things to do get done. Yet, every time I try to support and take care of myself, I dig a hole so deep, by the time I give up and accept my defeat, I can't see a way out. No matter what plans or changes I implement, the result is always the same. If it is that the only person you can ever really depend on is yourself, what possible hope is there for me?

All of this leaves with one final question...Should I even bother to cry?

As always,

~Rebekah~