Christmas with no Daddy

Hello again.

I've been trying for a month to compile what I want to say about the death of my father. As previously stated, my father passed away on Nov. 5 2007, after over 10 years of illness. I am thrilled for him, he is now forever with his Savior. Somehow this fact does not make my pain go away. He is strong, healthy, & happy, but there are moments when I would bring him back here just so I wouldn't have to miss him anymore. I know that's a selfish thought. He was so sick before he passed and I wouldn't anyone I love to ever suffer that way, but it just hurts. Sometimes, it's a dull ache that I don't really notice, but other times, I can't feel who I am anymore because I feel the emptiness in my heart. Last night was one of those times for me. I was up until 5 am; I just couldn't sleep. Every time I would try, pictures of everything I'll never get to share with my dad again starting playing in my head. While I have an amazing mom whom I love very much, I was always a daddy's girl. I always ran to him when life became too scary for me. He would talk with me about it, strengthen me and help me find my path. I think that's what I miss most. I can't run to him and let him comfort me with this.

I am so grateful that my father led me to his Savior and that I have the peace that only God can provide. I know that one day I will be with daddy again. However, there are times when I can't see past the daddy-sized blank spot in my heart and my life. I'm trying to be strong and give my mom the opportunity to grieve as she needs, but I needed someone to talk to. So today, my someone is all of you. The holidays are upon us and I don't know how to drink my apple cider, eat my turkey, open my stocking, and all the rest without seeing him in everything. I want to have a Merry Christmas, I just don't know how. My dad was always the one I had to block; he would raid my sweet potato pies before dinner, eat all the chocolate covered cherries mom got in her stocking and was always trying to score seconds/thirds/fourths of holiday dinner. Our family gets together for Christmas about a week before the actual day. Christmas itself was always just mom, dad, me and my older brother (Jason has a wife & 3 kids). While I'm glad we can get through the holidays without having the trauma of reopened wounds, it's getting harder everyday to sit and look at the tree and hear the carols.

Daddy, always know that you are missed and loved. And have a Merry Christmas.

As Always,

~Rebekah~