Living Life my Way

Hi all,

I am about to discuss something I have touched on before, but feel I need to fully discuss with you. As you all know, the title of my blog is "Living Life my Way". This is what I am trying to do. It is not easy, because as most of you know, for a long time, I didn't really listen to my wants and needs at all. I put everyone else first and never believed that I had the right or capability to be anything else. The older I got, the more useless and empty I felt. I started having problems with depression, which led to over-stressing, and anger. Neither of which are natural to my personality. I felt that as long as my "place" was filled, I was unimportant. I didn't know what to do, I was raised to see depression as giving up on God. I thought that if I could lean on Him enough, it would be OK. So, I saw the fact that I was depressed, as failing as a Christian. Because of this, I continued to sink further away from my life, until I started shutting myself off from those around me, at the same time believing that everyone was pulling away because my impressions were right and now that I was so weak, I wasn't useful anymore. This lasted for several months, until God sent me a lifeline. I heard from a friend I hadn't really talked to in a long while, she wanted to have lunch and catch up. I went, and for over two hours, completely without meaning to, I poured out all my thoughts and fears on her shoulders. She was so gracious, patient and understanding. She helped me see that my relationship with God wasn't the problem. The problem was that those around me had formed images of me in their heads that were inaccurate. But, she also showed me that they had done so, because I let them. For those of you who don't me, let me explain, I am at heart, a helper and a follower. When things upset me, rather than "rock the boat", I internalize those feelings until they go away. So, for years, I gave everything I had to others, I always jumped when they called, I never admitted how it bothered me when my friends would change plans and not tell me, or when they would just assume things about me or my interests without asking.

What my friend helped me see is that through these actions I had allowed and encouraged those in my life to form the impressions they had, and now I was depressed because I didn't fit them. She helped me see how counseling might help me discover how to be myself. She got my OK, called and found a place I could afford and even made my first appointment for me. She was wise enough to know that as depressed as I was, I would have talked myself out of even trying. So, mostly to avoid disappointing my friend I went to my first session. My counselor sat and very gently started probing my issues. At first, I didn't like my counselor, I thought she was prissy and could never understand "my" life. However, within three sessions, I felt like I could actually take deep breaths again. That's when I figured out her genius. She knew that the best way to get me to start appreciating and examining my life was to make me explain it to her.

Now, please do not misunderstand me, I am not using the term "Living Life My Way" as an excuse to be self-centered or cold. It's just my way to remind myself, that if I don't take care of my needs, wants, desires, fears, etc, I will not have the strength of character to do for others the way I want. I have found that I am allowed to have dreams of my own , I don't have to try to live someone elses. I discovered, that I don't have to explain every action I take to everyone I know. I just have to make the best decision I can, for the right reasons, and they can either accept it or not. I have come to believe that is OK to express myself to my friends and family.

As a result of my self-discovery, the Lord gave me the comfort to make a goal list for myself. I started college in Jan., I am starting a new job in June. So, I am on a path to being myself. I want thank all of you that have been there for me. I hope all of you know how VERY much you mean to me. And to my lifeline friend, thank you for allowing God to use you for my benefit as He did, you will always be special to me. I hope all of you find the courage and strength to always be yourself, no matter what.

As always,
~Rebekah~

I wish I could understand

Hi all,

I have something I need to say. I apologize in advance for any hard feelings this may produce but it is something I have to address. Honesty!

Those of you who actually know me know that I have a small circle of very close friends. These are people I really know, or I thought I did. Recently I found out that not everyone in my circle is the person(s) they have pretended to be. Now, I'm not niave enough to believe that everyone is always truthful, but I don't understand how you can keep up such a complete deception with someone you supposedly care about and completely trust. I now feel that every conversation, every get-together, every everything has been called into question and I don't know how to trust anything anymore. I just wish I could understand...

I wish I could understand why you would volunteer so much heartfelt falsehood. Why, if you aren't honestly looking for real advice, why do you bring up a "problem" you need help with. Advice to a half-told or made-up problem can't be of any help.

I wish I could understand why you would want to spend so much time and energy on a relationship you feel you have to lie to keep. It seems to me that I would not want to have a friend that wouldn't accept me as I am. It is not fair to never give your friends the opportunity to do just that.

It is true that in some ways I live my life by a different moral code than the people in my life, but I am very careful to never expect them to follow my code. I have never turned away from a friend just because they made decisions I didn't approve of. By putting on this "front" with me, I feel as a slap in the face, sending the message that they don't see me as a REAL friend. This hurts more than any truth they could ever tell me.

Anyway, for now I have nothing else to say. So as always

Stay Safe & Be Real,
~Rebekah~