This is Me!

Hi World,

I’m not even going to try to apologize or explain my absence this time. For so long, this blog has been a sounding-board for my concerns, fears, etc., but lately I just haven’t needed this outlet but now I write for another reason. For the past 10 months, I have been at peace. Lest you get the wrong idea, my life is just as chaotic as it always is. I just haven’t felt dragged down by it. I have stresses of course, but I honestly can’t find a reason not to be happy and for a melancholy personality like mine that is an amazing thing.

I have always heard stories about “that moment”, you know the ones… a person experiences one moment, event, etc. that changes everything for them. I have always thought that a “moment” only occurs in extreme circumstances and in a dramatic way. I have had to revise my belief about this. My moment happened…it was just 6 weeks long. I moved to Arizona to start over and free myself from the limitations, expectations, memories and perceptions of my life at that point. I wanted to be different. I wanted to not be Becky the care-giver, the baby-sitter, the wall-flower. I had done so much soul-searching and made such progress through therapy and prayer but then dad got sick and I kind of stopped. After the Lord took him home, I needed to wipe my slate and rewrite myself. Arizona was my chance to do just that.

When I got laid off 39 days after arriving, I was devastated…or I thought I was. That voice that follows me, that little one inside that whispers “you’re not good enough, smart enough...etc…” started speaking again. But I soon realized that while I could hear her, I no longer HEARD her. She, the voice of my fears, insecurities and self-loathing had become background noise. I can not explain how amazing this was. Anytime she spoke up previously, her voice had echoed in my chest until it was all I heard. To no longer care about her opinion was one of the greatest moments of my life. I was concerned that my new-found strength would suffer when I returned to my “home”. Back to the people and relationships in which I had lost myself to begin with. It wasn’t until I got back to Bama and settled into my life that I fully understood what had happened to me.

I am no longer who I was…I know that sounds hokey, but it’s the only way to explain it. I still cling to the opinions, beliefs, and morals that are mine. I lean on God’s guiding hand everyday. But I recognize the girl in the mirror again. That is an amazing feeling, to actually finally feel like ME and know who that is. Thank you God, I could not experience this joy & peace without Him.


Be Real & Stay Safe,
Rebekah